Subversion Repositories wimsdev

$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at

which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.

		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

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1st graffitiist: QUESTION AUTHORITY!

2nd graffitiist: Why?

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A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a

"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.

		-- Mahatma Ghandi

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A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.

		-- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget

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A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.

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A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files is to make a copy of everything

before he destroys it.

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A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the

poor to protect them from each other.

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A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but

won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

		-- Bill Vaughan

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A Difficulty for Every Solution.

		-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service

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A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.

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A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you

actually look forward to the trip.

		-- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"

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A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.

		-- Adlai Stevenson

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A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

		-- Winston Churchill

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A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

		-- Adlai Stevenson

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A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks.

		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981

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A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough

to take it all away.

		-- Barry Goldwater

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A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.

		-- B. Franklin

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A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest

man a century.

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A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals

are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for

not going to church on Sunday.

		-- Russell Baker

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A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.

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A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.

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A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing.

		-- Alexander Hamilton

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A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

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A penny saved is a penny taxed.

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A penny saved kills your career in government.

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A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to

govern.  It demands no social reforms.  It does not haggle over expenditures

on armaments and military equipment.  It pays without discussion, it ruins

itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and

manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.

		-- Anatole France

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A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,

but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.

		-- Jean Paul Sartre

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A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then

asks you not to kill him.

		-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952

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A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be

too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which

was intended for her preservation.

		-- Colton

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A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having

his neighbour notice it.

		-- Trygve Lie

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A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices

that the system works.

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A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.

		-- Ramsey Clark

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A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from

the vexation of thinking.

		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831

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A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.

		-- Harry S. Truman

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A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.

		-- O'Henry

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A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many

bad measures.

		-- Daniel Webster

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Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain.  He died in Washington, D.C.

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"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of

the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the

cost to others, to win advancement."

		-- Norman Thomas

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Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.

	-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,

	   Ecole Superieure de Guerre

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Alea iacta est.

	[The die is cast]

		-- Gaius Julius Caesar

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Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was

the closest our country has ever been to being even.

	-- The Best of Will Rogers

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All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent

upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a

visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is

informing, stimulating and ennobling.

		-- H. L. Mencken

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All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.

		-- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of

		   Catiline", by Sallust

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All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.

		-- Chou En Lai

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All kings is mostly rapscallions.

		--Mark Twain

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All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of

the United States.

		-- Vic Gold

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All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.

		-- Groucho Marx

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All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by

the government in less than a second.

		-- Jim Fiebig

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All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes

infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in

which he was born.

		-- Francois Fenelon

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America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one

dollar, and use it up in two weeks.

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America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism

to decadence without touching civilization.

		-- John O'Hara

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America: born free and taxed to death.

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An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the

benefit of his country.

		-- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639

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An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but is

always polite to traffic cops.

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An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in

small as in great matters.  

		-- W. Churchill

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An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.

		-- Simon Cameron

There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians.  When

bought they stay bought.

		-- Bill Moyers

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Anarchy may not be a better form of government, but it's better than no

government at all.

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"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a

courtesy detail."

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And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man

with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.

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And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have

a sense of humor, as does history.  Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks

tragedy, and this too is historic.  And yet, still, when corn meets

tragedy face to face, we have politics.

		-- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and

		   Ground Cover"

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Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.

Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.

		-- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"

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Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.

		-- Pyrrhus

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Any excuse will serve a tyrant.

		-- Aesop

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	"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.

	"None," Anita replied.  "She's having great difficulty finding someone

qualified who is willing to accept the post."

	"Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh.  "I'm not good for much, but I

can at least make a decision."

	"Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic

young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most

up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."

		-- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"

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Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years

organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.

		-- David Broder

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Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no

account be allowed to do the job.

		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

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As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.

When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.

		-- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"

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Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.

		-- G.J. Danton

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Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.

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Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; nothing is safe while the

legislature is in session.

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Bedfellows make strange politicians.

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Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

		-- Herbert Hoover

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C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!

	[It is magnificent, but it is not war]

		-- Pierre Bosquet, witnessing the charge of the Light Brigade

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"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."

		-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989

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Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents

for postage and 30 cents for storage.

		-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post

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Census Taker to Housewife:

Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?

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Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted

in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks.  I think we need

more owls."

		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"

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Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.

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Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner.  His job

is to enforce the law and fight crime.

		-- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan

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Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.

		-- Alfred E. Newman

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Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It

eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the

business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

		-- Johnny Hart

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Demand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland.

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Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.

		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than

we deserve.

		-- George Bernard Shaw

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Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder

aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

		-- Senator Soaper

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Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the

incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.

		-- G.B. Shaw

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Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you

don't think.

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Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who

will get the blame.

		-- Laurence J. Peter

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Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.

		-- Jawaharlal Nehru

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Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.

		-- Arman de Caillavet, 1913

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Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people

are right more than half of the time.

		-- E. B. White

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Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other

forms that have been tried from time to time.

		-- Winston Churchill

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Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for

the people.

		-- Oscar Wilde

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Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the board.

Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.

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Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.  Politics is about

surviving until Friday afternoon.

		-- Sir Humphrey Appleby

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Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.

		-- Daniele Vare

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Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

		-- Wynn Catlin

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Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.

		-- Balfour

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Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.

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Don't be humble ... you're not that great.

		-- Golda Meir

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Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.

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Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!

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Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!

		-- "Brazil"

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Don't talk to me about naval tradition.  It's nothing but rum, sodomy and

the lash.

	-- Winston Churchill

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Don't vote -- it only encourages them!

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Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders

has been discontinued.

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Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs

in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a

university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two

3x4 snapshots, and a good tax record.

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Each person has the right to take the subway.

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Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United

States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a day.

	[and getting better!  Soon it'll be down to a penny a day!]

%

Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?

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Every country has the government it deserves.

		-- Joseph De Maistre

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Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!

But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and

when they aren't.

	When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.

	When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.

	When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.

	When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!

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Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,

no one we know belongs.

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Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit

of justice is no virtue.

		-- Barry Goldwater

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Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.

		-- George Santayana

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Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the

former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.

Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and

reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space.  In those days, spirits

were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women

and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures

from Alpha Centauri.  And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty

deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus

was the Empire forged.

		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

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Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.

Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.

		-- Joe Orton, "Loot"

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Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.

		-- H.S. Thompson

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First rule of public speaking.

	First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;

	then tell 'em;

	then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.

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For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.

This gives me great hope for the human race.

		-- Harlan Ellison

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Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws

of nature!

		-- G.B. Shaw

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Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.

		-- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"

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Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.

		-- A Yippie Proverb

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Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.

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Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.

		-- Camus

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Freedom is slavery.

Ignorance is strength.

War is peace.

		-- George Orwell

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Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.

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Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

		-- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"

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"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."

		-- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down

		   the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National

		   Security Agency.

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Gentlemen,

	Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the

approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been

diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship

from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.

	We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles,

and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds

me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and

spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted

for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

	Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains

unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been

a hideous confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to

one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain.  This

reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance,

since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise

to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

	This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request

elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I

may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains.

I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as

given below.  I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but

I cannot do both:

	1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the

benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:

	2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

		-- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,

		   London, 1812

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George Orwell 1984.  Northwestern 0.

		-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82

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George Orwell was an optimist.

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George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to

have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.

		-- Ashley Cooper

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Give all orders verbally.  Never write anything down that might go into a

"Pearl Harbor File".

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"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."

		-- Napoleon

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Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and

car keys to teenage boys.

	-- P.J. O'Rourke

%

God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to

receive it.

		-- Austin O'Malley

%

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of

those who govern.  The machinery of government is always subordinate to the

will of those who administer that machinery.  The most important element of

government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.

		-- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"

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Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.

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Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?  

Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":

	1-800-AUDITME

%

Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish.  Don't overdo it.

		-- Lao Tsu

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Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.

		-- John Updike, "Couples"

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Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies.

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Government spending?  I don't know what it's all about.  I don't know

any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he

doesn't know much.

		-- Will Rogers

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	Graduating seniors, parents and friends...

	Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up

to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.

	The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the

text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.

	Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured

the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to

expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.

	Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric

perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed

denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.

	Thank you and good luck.

		-- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.

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Great Moments in History: #3

August 27, 1949:

	A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the

	Women's Air Corp.  It was a WAC's Museum.

%

	Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the

Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives.  A popular

story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was

roused by his wife crying, "Wake up!  I think there are burglars in the

house."

	"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe,

but not in the House."

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Grub first, then ethics.

		-- Bertolt Brecht

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Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender.  You stand convicted of

sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.

		-- Tobias Smollet

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Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it

appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,

and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels?  Then let us

not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its

incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.

		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"

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Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline

sharply the minute they start waving guns around?

		-- Dr. Who

%

He didn't run for reelection.  "Politics brings you into contact with all

the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."

		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"

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He is the best of men who dislikes power.

		-- Mohammed

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He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.

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He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.

		-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"

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He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry

attacks democracy itself.

		-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS

%

He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will be the greatest

benefactor the world has yet known.

		-- Sir Richard Burton

%

He who slings mud generally loses ground.

		-- Adlai Stevenson

%

He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...

%

Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.  From where the

sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.

		-- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce

%

Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.

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History has much to say on following the proper procedures.  From a history

of the Mexican revolution:

	"Hidalgo was later defeated at Guadalajara.  The rebel army was

captured on its way through the mountains.  All were courtmartialed and

shot, except Hidalgo, because he was a priest.  He was handed over to

the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the

army where he was then executed."

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History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).

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History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.

		-- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"

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History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,

periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them

asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at

intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another...  Truly the imago

state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.

		-- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"

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History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have

exhausted all other alternatives.

		-- Abba Eban

%

How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?

		-- Charles de Gaulle

%

How is the world ruled, and how do wars start?  Diplomats tell lies to

journalists, and they believe what they read.

		-- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"

%

I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend

than be one.

		-- Clarence Darrow

%

I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves

for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice.  To be a man

is to suffer for others.

		-- Cesar Chavez

%

I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.

		-- A. Ward

%

I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.

		-- Jay Gould

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I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to

run their own business.  I know men that would make my wife a better

husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.

		-- The Best of Will Rogers

%

"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating."

		-- Boss Tweed

%

I don't like the Dutchman.  He's a crocodile.  He's sneaky.  I don't trust him.

		-- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference

		   with Dutch Schultz.

I don't trust Legs.  He's nuts.  He gets excited and starts pulling a

trigger like another guy wipes his nose.

		-- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with

		   "Legs" Diamond.

%

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the

streets and frighten the horses.

		-- Victor Hugo

%

I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets

fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

%

I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.

		-- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd

		   just shot.

%

I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.

		-- Augustus Caesar

%

I have a dream.  I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, 

the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to

sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

%

I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice

my wife's brother.

		-- Artemus Ward

%

I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes to Imperialism,

he catches it in a very acute form.

		-- Winston Churchill, 1903

%

I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth

and they never believe me.

		-- Camillo Di Cavour

%

I have gained this by philosophy:

that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law.

		-- Aristotle

%

I have never understood this liking for war.  It panders to instincts

already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment.

		-- Alan Bennett

%

I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...

		-- Thomas Jefferson

%

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World

War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

		-- Albert Einstein

%

I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote

peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want peace so much

that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them

have it.

		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower

%

I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a congressman.

		-- Will Rogers

%

I needed the good will of the legislature of four states.  I formed the

legislative bodies with my own money.  I found that it was cheaper that way.

		-- Jay Gould

%

I never deny, I never contradict.  I sometimes forget.

		-- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the

		   Royal Family

%

I never vote for anyone.  I always vote against.

		-- W.C. Fields

%

I owe the government $3400 in taxes.  So I sent them two hammers and a

toilet seat.

		-- Michael McShane

%

I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as

the greatest of dangers to be feared.  To preserve our independence, we must

not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt.  If we run into such debts, we

must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,

in our labor and in our amusements.  If we can prevent the government from

wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they

will be happy.

		-- Thomas Jefferson

%

I pledge allegiance to the flag

of the United States of America

and to the republic for which it stands,

one nation,

indivisible,

with liberty

and justice for all.

		-- Francis Bellamy, 1892

%

I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.

		-- Cicero

Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.

		-- Poor Richard

%

I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern.  I realize that the

whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional

congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we

can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the plumber.

But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such as

this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of the world

hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never win large cash

journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually write about, such as

nose-picking.

		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against

		   Political Fallout"

%

I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope

they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.

		-- The Best of Will Rogers

%

I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to

the south.  We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about

us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.

		-- The Best of Will Rogers

%

I steal.

		-- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board

Easy.  I own Chicago.  I own Miami.  I own Las Vegas.

		-- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living

%

I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and

tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are

fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country

are fed up with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and

tired of being told that I am!

		-- Monty Python

%

I think the world is run by C students.

		-- Al McGuire

%

I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.

		-- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari

%

I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.

		-- Bill Veeck

%

I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.

		-- Judge Harold T. Stone

%

I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.

		-- Woodrow Wilson

%

I used to be a rebel in my youth.

This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL!  But I learned.

Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own

problems.  So I lost interest in politics.  Now when I feel aroused by

a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.

I go to my analyst and we work it out.  You have no idea how much better

I feel these days.

		-- J. Feiffer

%

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.

		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

%

I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued

endangered species.  It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of

pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of

bricks and mortar.  But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an

excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically

critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud

the earth.

		Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"

%

I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold.  A thief is

anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or

breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody.  He really

gives some effort to it.  A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum.  He

works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.

Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work

for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun.  They offered me

two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed.  I

was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line.  But

I wouldn't consider it.  "I'm a thief," I said.  "I'm no lousy hoodlum."

		-- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"

%

I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.  I

asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career of a

robber.

		-- Tiburcio Vasquez

%

I wish a robot would get elected president.  That way, when he came to town,

we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

		-- Jack Handley

%

I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in

understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,

our tasks will be solved.

		-- Warren G. Harding

%

I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection

with income tax policies.

		-- William F. Buckley

%

I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one.

		-- Marcus Procius Cato

%

I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house and be above ground than

reign among the dead.

		-- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91

%

I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the

whole field to private industry.

		-- Joseph Heller

%

"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,

carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,

I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."

		-- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H

%

"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.

That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."

		-- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]

%

I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House.  President Johnson

says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.

		-- Bob Hope

%

"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"

%

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is

-- I could be just as proud for half the money.

		-- Arthur Godfrey

%

"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives."

%

I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.

%

If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;

and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it

will lose that, too.

		-- W. Somerset Maugham

%

If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal

purposes.

		-- J. Edgar Hoover

%

If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a deal faster.

		-- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"

%

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.

		-- Bertrand Russell

%

If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with

green, baggy skin.

%

If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.

		-- Jerry Dreshfield

%

If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital,

it would have been much better.

		-- Karl Marx's Mother

%

If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,

he should see how bad it is with representation.

%

If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they

will take sandwiches.

		-- Lord Boyd-orr

Eats first, morals after.

		-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"

%

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

%

If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.

		-- Robert Frost

%

If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream

and never be our destiny.

		-- Ren'e de Visme Williamson

%

If the government doesn't trust the people, why doesn't it dissolve them

and elect a new people?

%

"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!"

		-- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)

%

If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, what a living the poor

could make!

%

If they were so inclined, they could impeach him because they don't like

his necktie.

		-- Attorney General William Saxbe

%

If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.  If not voting

could change the system, it would be illegal.

%

If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.

%

If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.

		-- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"

%

If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, we encourage it,

and involve others in our doom.

		-- Samuel Adams

%

If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.

%

If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.

		-- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking

%

"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to

have to get a toehold in the public eye."

%

If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it

will always do it.

		-- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin

%

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is

make the rubble bounce.

		-- Winston Churchill

%

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

		-- Graham Summer

%

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year

with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

		-- The Best of Will Rogers

%

If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined

them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!

		-- Mr. Interesting

%

If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the

Constitution.  It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's

statecraft.  Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone

directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles

beginning with the word "National."

		-- George Will

%

If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some

memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'

it, even if they don't know what it means.

		-- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"

%

If your hands are clean and your cause is just and your demands are

reasonable, at least it's a start.

%

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

		-- Robert Orben

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

		-- Jack Paar

%

Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.

		-- Genji

%

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

		-- Jack Paar

%

In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one

of the risks he takes.

		-- Adlai Stevenson

%

In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.

%

In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools

will be temporarily canceled.

%

In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.

		-- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery

%

In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last

resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but

inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.

		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

%

In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; in life the recourse

of the powerless is petty theft.

%

In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because

I wasn't a Communist.  Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up

because I wasn't a Jew.  Then they came for the trade unionists, and I

didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.  Then they came for the

Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.  Then they came

for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.

		-- Pastor Martin Niemoller

%

In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,

murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci

and the Renaissance.  In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had

five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?

The cuckoo-clock.

		-- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"

%

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence

is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

%

In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced a Prime Minister worthy of

assassination.

		-- John Diefenbaker

%

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

		-- Lenny Bruce

%

In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take

my advice.

		-- Winston Churchill

%

In war it is not men, but the man who counts.

		-- Napoleon

%

In war, truth is the first casualty.

		-- U Thant

%

... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves

smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat.  It is

not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.

		-- Stephen Crane

%

Individualists unite!

%

Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory.

		-- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery

%

Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.

%

	Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family

often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.

%

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

%

Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the

street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US

invasion of Grenada.  Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;

and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"

		-- David Letterman

%

Interfere?  Of course we should interfere!  Always do what you're

best at, that's what I say.

		-- Doctor Who

%

It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan

which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,

insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather

than be the instrument of his army's downfall.